Dear Pistol Pete:
When I become a sailin' man, I were entranced by th' colorful nicknames of th' seadogs around me. When I ask me friend Scabby Sam when I would get a fabulous seafarin' name, he sez, "Don't worry, Laddie - it'll come." Well, it be nigh on a year now, an' everyone still calls me Elliot. What be th' problem?
Signed, "X" (Nerdy in Cape Verde)

Dear Nerdy,
Seafarin' names usually come about from a pirate's physical characteristics (Bluebeard, Amputee Al, etc.) or his deeds (Rampagin' Ralph, for example). If ye haven't acquired a nickname, fear not! Yer friend's advice is sound; it may just be a matter of time. D'ye think he was born wi' "Scabby"? Still, if ye'd rather not be shipwrecked wi' th' name Elliot (and who could blame ye?), a sailor does have some options. Consider yer talents. Do ye have a flair wi' th' cat-o'-nine-tails? Maybe ye're a fair hand wi' a cutlass? If that doesn't appeal, ye can still hope fer some disfiguring illness that will set ye apart from th' crowd. Better yet, lop off a limb or take an eye out; missing limbs are a guarranteed badge of hip pirate credibility (and ye'll find they're a big hit wi' th' opposite sex, too). Once ye've acquired yer seafarin'name, ensure that nobody fergets it. Invest in yer own personal logo. Friend and foe alike will cry, "Lookee!" when ye cruise into port wi' yer piratical flag fluttering proudly. Good luck, Nerdy!

Dear Pistol Pete:
I thinks I might have scurvy. What be th' warning signs?
Signed,  Warty an' Worried

Dear Warty,
Is that yer name, or yer condition? Jokes aside, scurvy's no laughing matter. Caused by a lack of vitamin C, th' symptoms include

• extreme lack of energy (by itself, not a good enough excuse for getting out o' work)
• spongy, bleeding gums
• bleeding under the skin

No warty symptoms fer ye, alas. But do keep yerself a stash o' limes or other citrus close by, to stave off th' ol' demon scurvy. Remember, a squeeze o' prevention is worth a pound o' bleeding gums!

Dear Pistol Pete:
I'm a young sailor just about to go carousin', lootin', and mayhemin' in port for my very first time. Damme, I'm excited! But I'm torn about what kind of tattoo to get. I mean, should I think of something clever in advance, or just let the whisky make the decision?
Signed, Sam th' Nipper

Dear Sam,
Ah, me first tattoo! I remember it like me first love. Me second, third, fortieth? They all run together (so ta speak).
Trust ol' Pete on this un', lad: do yerself an' yer family proud th' first time round. Get a "MOM" tattoo. There be plenty of time fer drink-addled body disfiguring later!

Dear Pistol Pete:
Be it okay to do me Tai Chi exercises on deck?
Signed, Bankok Bob

Dear Bankok Bob,
Unless yer Cap'n is a liberal sort, ye might want to start yer mornin' exercises up in th' crow's nest. Mebbe sound out yer bunkmates; anyone wanter join ye in this mind/body rejuvination thing?
Don't be discouraged if some viciously hungover fellow crewmen jeer, or hurl grappling hooks at yer hamstrings; they won't be able to throw up that far.